so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
