Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
