1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
