the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
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Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
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Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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