I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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