i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
