I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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