Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
