he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
