Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
