Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
