I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
