so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
