I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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