My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
