I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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