Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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