I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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