I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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