Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
