That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I will die if light touches me.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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