you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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