I'm lost and stupid without you.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
