Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
