my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
