Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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