True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
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He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
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She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..