I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
