I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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