i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
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she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
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Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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