Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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