So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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