Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Randomize
