i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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