i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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