i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
