So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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