I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
