just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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