im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
