The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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