His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
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Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
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They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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