She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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