Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
