Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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