A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
