i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
