Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
