why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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