You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
