and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
