Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
