Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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