Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
