when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
