Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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